Perchance to dream

venting the pain

I always thought I was strong and tough. Doesn't everybody? But nobody truly is. We are all human and we have human emotions and natures. We feel pain, hurt, sadness, anger, as much as happiness, joy, pleasure, and wonder. I used to try to be tough. I used to pretend I didn't get hurt, and when I did I'd cover it up and push it out of my mind, and just move on.

Now I will sit down, dumbfounded, with my hands and heart open, and admit that I was hurt. Badly. I have never felt this much anger or pain in my short life of 23 years. I was so emotionally invested (in good and bad ways) in this past relationship that when he got the final blow on me it felt like a Mack Truck of all hurt.

When I found out he set me up at the very end, I was infuriated, hurt, embarrassed, and extremely shocked. These are all understatements. I was so angry that the tears of pain and hurt and shock and everything crazy combined were streaming down my face. I was so infuriated I could not contain myself. I have never been slapped in the face or punched in the stomach like this in my entire life. I have never seen someone stoop so low and go so much out of their way to hurt someone so badly. I was a mix of wild, uncontrollable emotions which any attempt at description would fall short of.

Until this point I had always given him the benefit of the doubt, and still always trusted and believed him even after all the lies he had always told me. But this, this was the big realization when I got cold water splashed onto me from a deep deep sleep. This was when I got jolted into my senses and realized the true colors of the person I had been with for the past year and a half. The inner maliciousness hiding deep within his soul that was never fully revealed except in bits and pieces through a lie here, a lie there, and until this final culmination, in its full glory. There is such evil that any sane person's mind cannot even begin to imagine it in full bloom. I was in such shock and anger for having been fooled for the millionth time. But this was the end. I am not Alice in Wonderland anymore. I'm awake and I'm out of the rabbit hole now.

I admit, it hurt. So much. But it was worth paying the price to learn the truth. It was worth it. I will be a stronger and wiser person now.

posted by Eunice @ 2:02 PM