A mirror image?
I finished up working the Stoli event for the evening on May 16. Instead of going straight home, I went to the bar to get a drink, where an extremely aggressive and drunk guy decided to start talking to me. Finding out that he just needed plastic cups from the bar for his 'table', I excused myself to get away and retrieved some cups for him from the kitchen. As I walked out he intercepted me and motioned for me to follow him. I walked behind him for a couple steps, trying to figure out if this guy was mentally insane or retardedly drunk, when someone out of my right peripheral caught my attention. It was a tall young gentleman -- who, not so ironically, was also pretty buzzed -- that made eye contact with me and tried to say something to initiate conversation. At that moment I had just walked by and he was left hanging with his mouth open and words cut short. But his eyes, which bore deep into his soul, and his aura of openness caught me with my guard down. I instinctively turned around and walked back to his area and ended up talking to one of my acquaintances until he finally built up the nerve to approach me and talk. Apparently that acquaintance was a mutual one, so the first line out of his mouth was, "Oh you know him too?" Very classy. :)
As we spoke, he got into intimate detail while answering simple questions of mine. I thought it was amusing, and actually quite endearing. I've never really encountered a random stranger who thought it was perfectly appropriate to put his heart on the line with no hesitation whatsoever. That's brave. Most men are so caught up in trying to be impressive or tough or cool that the front becomes quite transparent, and frankly, a source of eye-rolling if not a disgusted expression of 'ugh.' As he went into an intensive explanation of his IT job and how he's a huge geek and a lot of other incriminating details that would normally be turn-offs to most random women who are looking for an impressive first impression, I started to find his honesty very refreshing -- and luckily I'm a big enough geek to appreciate the same in others.
We hit it off with corny jokes, geeky references, general silliness, and an openness and enthusiasm for getting to know each other -- no fronts or castle walls. Just two honest souls searching for a connection. We have a lot of the same beliefs, interests, perspectives in life, and we both love learning about the same things. It's a start of a beautiful journey and friendship.
Gemini
Gemini Greatest Strength: Your curiosity about a variety of interests
Gemini Possible Weakness: Distracting yourself from what is most important
I am SUCH a Gemini to a fault. Another 2 months have gone by and I've been distracted with working to pay the bills -- losing sight of what was really important -- what I really want to do. And yet I still manage to push that frustration deep inside of me and ignore it. I've got to stop.. or start.
On another note, a huge Gemini trait is being the life of the party and the social butterfly and center of attention. I've always felt like my charm was more something I could switch on and off, but not necessarily an ingrained part of me. Does this mean I'm not a true Gemini?
bday dinner party
Appetizers:
Tortilla Chips + Salsa
Fresh Fruit
Sides:
Sweet Corn Bread
Salad with the works
Entrees:
Potato+Goat Cheese Quesadillas (Shredded Chicken on the side)
White Veggie Pasta
Indian Rice and Beans
Seafood Curry
Dessert:
Apple Banana Bread
Turtle Pumpkin Pie
Fresh Fruit
Fruit Parfait
Drinks:
Sherbet Fruit Punch
Mango Lassi Smoothies
3 bottles of Wine
Ciroc Vodka
Orange Juice
Ginger Ale
7up/Sprite
over a month
it's been over a month of whirlwind romancing with events, promotions, and party people. stoli hotel, nintendo wiifit, oh how thou has been ..'fun'. i'm tired of partying. i'm ready to dig a deeper path. i just have to find that commitment; that determination that has been elusive for too too long. i need to find that burning fire again. where's the fuel?
on a separate note, my birthday is in a week and a half! i dont think i've ever had an extravagant birthday party. i'm really just a loner homebody who's been thrown, almost blindly, into the world of parties and 'glamorous' events. Just to be on the wild side after having lost my way for over a year. but back to the subject. next post, brooklyn dinner party.
the most traumatic rejection in the world
people take advantage of those who let it happen?
ikea trip and spring cleaning :)
ivan is back.. for a while
people who hate confrontation are liars?
looking forward
The six life areas are composed of:
Health
Career
Spiritual
Relationships
Financial
Community Social
Play/ Recreation
Creative
So let me do some thinking, and start out with small baby steps in each of these areas.
the healing process
Quoted from The Path of Tears:
- If someone is actively abusing you in the now, heal as much as you can and leave the situation without confrontation if possible. There is no need to fight with them, or try to get them to change their behavior. You may want to state your boundaries, and you may want to let them know that their treatment of you hurt you. But usually this just turns into an argument about what they did (or didn't do) or how wrong they are, or how crazy or wrong you are, etc. etc. It's usually best to just leave.
- There will be situations where you know the person who hurt you will never ask you for forgiveness. This is a source of pain in itself. The original thing they did that hurt you is one pain. But feeling like they don't care about your feelings enough to make it right with you is another heartbreak. Rage then wants to hammer on them, to make them see how they have hurt you, to make them CARE. But there may be times when you have to accept that they don't. Then, all you can do is cry your own hurt, and just let them go.
- The most important thing about forgiving others is -- you can't just choose to forgive. Forgiveness is a feeling. It's an absence of pain and anger and blame, but it's also acceptance and love and understanding. Forgiveness without these elements is not truly forgiveness. It's just lip service.
Yes, I should have left the relationship a long time ago. But I was blinded and foolish enough to think it could work. I was so blinded to all the warning signs. I gave in and I was weak and I lost myself in the process.
He got the final laugh. He went out of his way to hurt me at the end out of spite when he didn't have to. But I will be the bigger person and let it go. I understand that he may never realize or care if he hurt me, and there is nothing I can do to change that. I cannot change who he is or how he does things. The only thing I can do is take care of myself, accept the fact that this is the way it's going to be, and move on.
I never truly forgave him for all the terrible things he's done to me, and I'm sure he felt the same way. We did not love each other for who the other person were; we loved each other for who we thought they were. We tried so hard to change the other person and change for them that we lost sight of everything else in the relationship. The unspoken grudges and subconscious pain turned into resentment toward each other, never a healthy ingredient in any sort of relationship. I can only learn from this mistake and try my hardest to not let it happen again.
venting the pain
I always thought I was strong and tough. Doesn't everybody? But nobody truly is. We are all human and we have human emotions and natures. We feel pain, hurt, sadness, anger, as much as happiness, joy, pleasure, and wonder. I used to try to be tough. I used to pretend I didn't get hurt, and when I did I'd cover it up and push it out of my mind, and just move on.
Now I will sit down, dumbfounded, with my hands and heart open, and admit that I was hurt. Badly. I have never felt this much anger or pain in my short life of 23 years. I was so emotionally invested (in good and bad ways) in this past relationship that when he got the final blow on me it felt like a Mack Truck of all hurt.
When I found out he set me up at the very end, I was infuriated, hurt, embarrassed, and extremely shocked. These are all understatements. I was so angry that the tears of pain and hurt and shock and everything crazy combined were streaming down my face. I was so infuriated I could not contain myself. I have never been slapped in the face or punched in the stomach like this in my entire life. I have never seen someone stoop so low and go so much out of their way to hurt someone so badly. I was a mix of wild, uncontrollable emotions which any attempt at description would fall short of.
Until this point I had always given him the benefit of the doubt, and still always trusted and believed him even after all the lies he had always told me. But this, this was the big realization when I got cold water splashed onto me from a deep deep sleep. This was when I got jolted into my senses and realized the true colors of the person I had been with for the past year and a half. The inner maliciousness hiding deep within his soul that was never fully revealed except in bits and pieces through a lie here, a lie there, and until this final culmination, in its full glory. There is such evil that any sane person's mind cannot even begin to imagine it in full bloom. I was in such shock and anger for having been fooled for the millionth time. But this was the end. I am not Alice in Wonderland anymore. I'm awake and I'm out of the rabbit hole now.
I admit, it hurt. So much. But it was worth paying the price to learn the truth. It was worth it. I will be a stronger and wiser person now.
