Perchance to dream

norman rockwellian

posted by Eunice @ 11:34 PM 0 comments

slate

posted by Eunice @ 11:34 PM 0 comments

ikea trip and spring cleaning :)

posted by Eunice @ 11:44 PM 0 comments

faux hawk

posted by Eunice @ 10:13 AM 0 comments

ivan is back.. for a while

posted by Eunice @ 10:12 AM 0 comments

people who hate confrontation are liars?

posted by Eunice @ 10:12 AM 0 comments

looking forward

The six life areas are composed of:

Health
Career
Spiritual
Relationships
Financial
Community Social
Play/ Recreation
Creative

So let me do some thinking, and start out with small baby steps in each of these areas.

posted by Eunice @ 2:23 PM 0 comments

the healing process

Quoted from The Path of Tears:


• If someone is actively abusing you in the now, heal as much as you can and leave the situation without confrontation if possible. There is no need to fight with them, or try to get them to change their behavior. You may want to state your boundaries, and you may want to let them know that their treatment of you hurt you. But usually this just turns into an argument about what they did (or didn't do) or how wrong they are, or how crazy or wrong you are, etc. etc. It's usually best to just leave.
  
  
• There will be situations where you know the person who hurt you will never ask you for forgiveness. This is a source of pain in itself. The original thing they did that hurt you is one pain. But feeling like they don't care about your feelings enough to make it right with you is another heartbreak. Rage then wants to hammer on them, to make them see how they have hurt you, to make them CARE. But there may be times when you have to accept that they don't. Then, all you can do is cry your own hurt, and just let them go.
  
  
• The most important thing about forgiving others is -- you can't just choose to forgive. Forgiveness is a feeling. It's an absence of pain and anger and blame, but it's also acceptance and love and understanding. Forgiveness without these elements is not truly forgiveness. It's just lip service.

Yes, I should have left the relationship a long time ago. But I was blinded and foolish enough to think it could work. I was so blinded to all the warning signs. I gave in and I was weak and I lost myself in the process.

He got the final laugh. He went out of his way to hurt me at the end out of spite when he didn't have to. But I will be the bigger person and let it go. I understand that he may never realize or care if he hurt me, and there is nothing I can do to change that. I cannot change who he is or how he does things. The only thing I can do is take care of myself, accept the fact that this is the way it's going to be, and move on.

I never truly forgave him for all the terrible things he's done to me, and I'm sure he felt the same way. We did not love each other for who the other person were; we loved each other for who we thought they were. We tried so hard to change the other person and change for them that we lost sight of everything else in the relationship. The unspoken grudges and subconscious pain turned into resentment toward each other, never a healthy ingredient in any sort of relationship. I can only learn from this mistake and try my hardest to not let it happen again.

posted by Eunice @ 2:23 PM 0 comments

venting the pain

I always thought I was strong and tough. Doesn't everybody? But nobody truly is. We are all human and we have human emotions and natures. We feel pain, hurt, sadness, anger, as much as happiness, joy, pleasure, and wonder. I used to try to be tough. I used to pretend I didn't get hurt, and when I did I'd cover it up and push it out of my mind, and just move on.

Now I will sit down, dumbfounded, with my hands and heart open, and admit that I was hurt. Badly. I have never felt this much anger or pain in my short life of 23 years. I was so emotionally invested (in good and bad ways) in this past relationship that when he got the final blow on me it felt like a Mack Truck of all hurt.

When I found out he set me up at the very end, I was infuriated, hurt, embarrassed, and extremely shocked. These are all understatements. I was so angry that the tears of pain and hurt and shock and everything crazy combined were streaming down my face. I was so infuriated I could not contain myself. I have never been slapped in the face or punched in the stomach like this in my entire life. I have never seen someone stoop so low and go so much out of their way to hurt someone so badly. I was a mix of wild, uncontrollable emotions which any attempt at description would fall short of.

Until this point I had always given him the benefit of the doubt, and still always trusted and believed him even after all the lies he had always told me. But this, this was the big realization when I got cold water splashed onto me from a deep deep sleep. This was when I got jolted into my senses and realized the true colors of the person I had been with for the past year and a half. The inner maliciousness hiding deep within his soul that was never fully revealed except in bits and pieces through a lie here, a lie there, and until this final culmination, in its full glory. There is such evil that any sane person's mind cannot even begin to imagine it in full bloom. I was in such shock and anger for having been fooled for the millionth time. But this was the end. I am not Alice in Wonderland anymore. I'm awake and I'm out of the rabbit hole now.

I admit, it hurt. So much. But it was worth paying the price to learn the truth. It was worth it. I will be a stronger and wiser person now.

posted by Eunice @ 2:02 PM 0 comments

the big divide

In July of 2007, I met a wonderful, fun, spontaneous guy whom I rode motorcycles with and had great times with. It was summer, the weather was beautiful, feelings were happy, and moods were high. It was an amazing time riding, finding new routes, meeting new people, and having a blast.

In January of 2008, I started dating this amazing guy. We had so many similar interests. He was a passionate, spontaneous, all around exciting guy. We had so much fun together. We had some really great memories.

But, there is always trouble in paradise. Slowly the rips and tears started appearing. We smoothed them over with our fingers, but not our hearts. He got drunk at a club and got into a fight. He broke my car windshield because he was so angry he wanted to punch something. Little did I know that it was a warning sign that should have sent me running far far away. People do not change. He was passionate, temperamental, addictive, consuming -- and he wanted all of me. I could not give it to him.

I had my life to live, but I gave in. I tried to understand his pains, his insecurity, his worries. He wanted it all, all my time, all my attention, all my love, all of ME. I tried to give him as much of me as I could. I tried to show him that I cared in the way HE wanted me to. I tried to call him as much as his ex girlfriends did to "show him I was thinking of him." I stayed home with him instead of going out with my friends. I stopped talking to my friends of the opposite sex because he would be 'uncomfortable' with it. I cooked a delicious dinner for him every day and did the dishes because he was too 'busy' to. He would put down my ideas and interests that I had because he was afraid I would be more interested in those 'other things' than in him. I would do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING just to placate him and show HIM that I 'cared.' It was never enough, and never would be. I gave myself away. I was weak. I resented him for it. Our relationship was doomed from the start, but we refused to acknowledge it.

The seams were held together by pure will, misery, and long hours of arguing. We stopped loving each other a long time before we parted ways. We started tolerating each other and resenting each other. We did not want to let go and admit that we had failed. We were so good together, and so bad together. We brought out the worst in each other, all the resentment, distrust, hatred, sadness, anger. It was such a rut but we were in so much denial. If only we had the strength to end it earlier, things would not have reached this tipping point.

It was tragic. What started as a beautiful love could not have ended in any worse possible way. He will probably never understand what happened in our relationship. He will always think I was the problem, the one who never fully truly loved him. He will never understand that we just had two very different perspectives on our relationship. We are two different people with two different lives and a relationship should not dissipate either one of our lives to mesh them into one. My significant other is always a big part of my life, but he will never be my whole life. He wanted to be my whole life. He was used to being other girls' whole lives. He was not my whole life, and it tore him up inside. It made him insecure, possessive, jealous, and extremely angry and crazy. It would always eat away at him, but he wouldn't even know what or why he was insecure. And now I know. A whole year later, I now know.

He set me up. He got the final revenge on me because he is vindictive, angry, and spiteful. I paid the price. He will go to far lengths to ensure that he is never the victim, and other people pay the price for his mistakes. He will even go to lengths to ensure that the person who 'hurt' him pays the price. But it never matters who HE hurts, only that he was hurt. That's ok. His ultimate revenge hurt, I admit. A lot. He wanted me to be hurt, and he saw to it that it happened. But I am a bigger person because I understand why our relationship didn't work out. I see the truth. He will never understand the truth and he will never have the real emotional closure that I will be able to gain over time. He will never admit his wrongdoings and somehow people like that can sail through life, unharmed and untouched. I can only hope one day he will grow up, but that is a big stretch. People don't change if they don't understand. I am sorry for him. I am sorry I was not stronger to take myself out of a bad situation.

There are people who are content in being each other's whole lives. I am not one of them. I enjoy pursuing my own interests, seeing my own friends, and fulfilling my own desires to learn and become a better, stronger person. I have spent the past year and a half of my life very wastefully, and I can only hope to make up for it. The first step is to fully come to terms with the breakup and the terrible situation I put myself in. I can only hope to forgive myself eventually. The second step is to regain all the inspiration I used to have and that I have lost over the past year and a half. The third step is to regain trust and admiration for people, which in itself is a very hard thing to do. And the fourth step, is to remain true to myself, start loving myself again, and live life the way it was meant to be lived -- fully and happily.

I am lucky to have my family, my wonderful friends, and my lovely cat by my side through this process. I read my old blog posts from over a year ago (below) and it pains me to see all that happiness and wonder for life, lost in such a short period of time. I used to be so happy and so strong and so inspired. I used to be in awe of life and all the possibilities it had to offer. I used to see the good in everybody and find wonderment in the little things. Now I feel jaded, but I am not; I'm just empty. It hurts. I admit it hurts and I am guarded and defensive. I want it back. I gave it away and now I want my life back. It's going to take a lot of work and grit but I'm here for the ride.

posted by Eunice @ 1:31 PM 0 comments